It has been about 5 months since I’ve posted. I was living life so I might have something to share with y'all. Also, I was trying to get security clearance and approval from MSF to post this. They may make me take this down but I’ve been waiting for months for a final response from the communications team about it. I really want to let everyone know what’s been going on.

To remind everyone, I was supposed to do a 12 month mission to South Sudan and it turned into a 4 month mission. I have been really quiet about why I ended early in my social media because I needed to process the experience and decide how much I would share with the world. I have been home for about a month and had many debriefings with MSF staff and many therapy sessions with the World’s Best Therapist, and I think I am ready to get brutally honest with y’all. I’m doing this mostly because I had a lot of shame and embarrassment when I came home and I have learned secrets keep us sick and also, I am not unique- for my one story, there are probably hundreds or thousands similar. Brene Brown has taught me a lot about shame and I know sharing is how we heal. Humanitarian healthcare is not for the faint of heart. It is emotionally and physically taxing. I knew all that when I signed up. I had long discussions with my wife, therapist, psychiatrist, sponsor, program folx, etc. I had all the tools in my tool belt and I arrived with wide open eyes and hopeful energy for service.

With all the unknowns of living abroad in an insecure country, living with strangers from all different countries, ethnicity and backgrounds, I had no idea how I would mentally respond. Many of you know I have anxiety, depression, PTSD (from a very long medical malpractice lawsuit), and am in recovery. I know that sets me to have a difficult time, but I also knew I had 14 years of program knowledge to get me through.

My grandmother actually helped me to make the decision to leave- she’s been placed on hospice (it is unclear really how long she has since she has already beaten all odds), and she finally contracted COVID. Luckily, due to the vaccines, she did recover with the only complication of needing oxygen periodically since then. I ended up emotionally labile, suicidal and not coping well. I am soooo grateful that MSF has a lot of psychological support set up for this very purpose. Everyone I was in contact with treated me without judgment and only concern for my well being. I am happy to report that I was able to complete 4 months in South Sudan and was able to get the first class in South Sudan of nursing and nurse aide students to graduate from the Basic Nursing Care Curriculum program that MSF Academy is implementing. Let me tell you- the South Sudanese know how to party! I wanted to make it special because this was an 18 month course that they completed rain or shine (and the rainy season was no joke last year. There was tons of flooding, water coming into their gum boots as they walked through the market to the classroom). So I decided to have lunch after the ceremony.

My father had a catering company for 20 years during my childhood in Burlington, North Carolina- Piedmont Catering. I spent many days bagging carrots, frying french fries and packing coolers for a myriad of events. I felt pretty competent to plan this event. What I had never done, however, was hire a butcher to slaughter the bull we were to eat, hire women in the community to cook the food and order all the accoutrements that goes with feeding folx. I also didn’t know that the men and women routinely eat separately, so I had to finagle that last minute. I was expecting 100 people and probably 300 showed up.  I had only bought 100 plates so other members of the MSF Academy, the Midwife Supervisor from France and I scrubbed the plates as best we could so that women and children could eat. It was such a cluster of errors but everyone stayed celebratory and happy. I even hired someone with a sound system and they played African music and people danced. A group of National staff surprised me and put on a play about the MSF Academy. It was a comedy of sorts, showing students coming to class inebriated or high and our tutors sending them away. Then they returned sober and realized the classes were helpful. It was hilarious and they were incredible actors. I guess they routinely do such skits to raise health awareness in the community. It was the most lovely day and I felt so proud and so humbled to be a part of the event. This is what I will hold onto when I get down on my limitations- remembering the men and women I was able to teach and get to know during my four months in Old Fangak. They were so industrious and always had a smile on their faces, even through food scarcity, unknown weather difficulties and threats of violence. They have forever changed me and I carry them in my heart. One of my students gave me a beaded bracelet with the South Sudanese flag colors and I wear it everyday as a reminder of them.

I am going to include some of the blog posts I was working on when I was in the field so you all can get a chance to see some of my experience. I’m having issues with my very old iphone and downloading pictures, so I will have to share them later. I hope to do other missions in the future once I get re-acclimated to the US. I literally didn’t use my phone for the first 5 days and spent 1 week at home before I ventured out to reunite with friends. I now know that 12 months is too long for me to be away from my network. I need my people. The WiFi was unpredictable so even with zoom, it was difficult. I am so grateful for the technological advances I get to live in right now. It was way worse for people before. I had my kindle full of books to read and an external hard drive loaded with movies and tv shows that my twin downloaded for me. I really did not suffer too much. I worked with amazing people who were making such sacrifices to be there. I am so glad I was brave enough to apply and had the support of my wife to live my dream of 20 years. It is just a testament to go ahead and do something you want to do. Don’t wait. Even if it doesn’t work out as planned, like my trip, it still was a life changing experience.