I was not planning on writing tonight- the state of the nation and work has given me a little emotional hungover, so my plan was to curl up in my hotel bed (I’m traveling for work) and read my latest book, Caste. It isn’t a light read but I am really enjoying it and it has been on my bedside table for months, waiting for me to get to it.

However, life happened and I feel I must update you all before it floats out of my mind. I got a call around 10:00 am from my Gram’s nursing home. I am her healthcare power of attorney so they call me with any status update and my heart always freezes when I see the name of the facility come up on my call waiting. I was actually in the middle of handing a patient medication when I saw it flash in the corner of my eye and I stopped what I was doing to answer. I usually never do that but my phone happened to be out and I got scared. 

“Is this Eugenia’s granddaughter, Jennifer?”

“Yes, this is she.”

“I am the nurse taking care of her today and I need to tell you about a change in status. She is unresponsive and we can’t wake her. When we ask to squeeze our hands, one hand seems weaker than the other. I had the nurse practitioner here evaluate her and she thinks she may be having TIAs or mini-strokes or possibly had a big stroke. I need your permission to send her to the emergency room.”

“Whatever you do, do not call EMS. She is DNR and does not want to go to the hospital. As long as she doesn’t seem in pain, just make her comfortable.”

“She’s unconscious and unresponsive so she can’t tell me her wishes.”

“I am her healthcare power of attorney. I know her wishes and whatever you do, do not call EMS. If you need for me to talk to the nurse practitioner or if there is any change of status, I am available and happy to do either of those things. Please let me know if there’s any change in status.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

My poor patient overheard the entire conversation and seemed horrified. I apologized and said “I am my Grandmother’s healthcare power of attorney and because she is 106, I get nervous when her nursing home calls. “Let’s get you taken care of. So sorry to interrupt with my phone.

My grandmother got upset when they called EMS a few years ago because she had fallen and she had a head wound that needed sutures. She said “Well, don’t you have a needle and thread? You can just sew me up here. Or if you want, call my granddaughter, she can come do it.”

They did call me and I had to get on the phone with my Gram to convince her that if she needed sutures, it was better for her to go to a specialist since I was an hour away and did not have supplies and I wanted her head wound evaluated. She was so mad at me but I am the only person she’ll take any orders from. I knew she wouldn’t want EMS called for her situation today.

I was literally in the middle of clinic, but luckily only about 20-30 minutes away. I quickly updated my Uncle in California and instructed him to let the rest of the family know. I swallowed my tears and did what my Grandmother would have wanted me to do and kept taking care of my patients. (She has donated $10 to Planned Parenthood every month for years and one of the reasons I now work for them). When I had some breathing room I emailed the activities director from her floor (a true angel that answers my emails on the weekends and at 10pm at night even when they are home), and asked to see if they could get permission for me to come and visit her in person. Right now the facility is on lock down because two more residents from her unit tested positive for COVID on Monday. Luckily I got special permission to do a “compassionate care” visit since they were not sure if she was actively dying. They said no one but me was allowed to come.

Everything was complicated by the fact that we were having precipitation currently that was a mix of rain/snow and it was supposed to worsen, and I was planning on rushing to my next hotel about two and half hours away before the storm got worse or the temperature dipped to freezing on the roads. I have clinic in the morning somewhere else and if I wasn’t able to come, they would have had to cancel the clinic and all the women who traveled probably several hours, would have had to be rescheduled. But I wanted to lay eyes on her and do my own evaluation. She has been doing these hibernation things where she is in a deep sleep and nothing can wake her but then she wakes up and is completely with it and normal. I had a suspicion that this was the same thing happening but couldn’t know for sure. I surely couldn’t let her die alone or without me saying I loved her one last time.

Once the final patient left I rushed to her nursing home, calling people, including her pastor while I was driving to update everyone on what I knew and didn’t know. I parked my giant SUV I rented from enterprise so I would have 4wd for the weather and ran to the entrance of the nursing home where the angel activities director was waiting for me with all the personal protective gear that they require all visitors to wear. I was prepared because I wear it for work and did not make the mistake of having a jacket on (even though it was snowing) because I knew how much you sweat under the airless gown that is donned. 

I asked how my Gram seemed and they said they had peeked their head in her room and she just looked asleep to them. I raced to her bedside, grabbed her hand only to startle her awake. She looked at me confused (I was wearing a mask and face shield so she probably couldn’t recognize me), and she gave me an annoyed look. I asked her if she was awake and she said “Yes” in an annoyed tone. Then I asked if she recognized me and she shook her head no and she went back to sleep.

I immediately texted family to say she was alive and seemed well and not on death’s door as her nurse had claimed and thought I would take advantage of the in person visit I had been denied for all these months because of COVID. The one exception had been when her brother died and they let me and her pastor break the news to her. Before COVID I visited her every other week religiously and we had what I called “spa afternoons” where I would soak her feet in epsom salt and then trim her toenails that she can no longer reach and rub lotion onto her feet. I always felt like Mary Magdalene when she washed Jesus’ feet. I said something like that to her at one visit and she immediately made some cutting comment to let me know I was not that special. She was not trying to be cruel, she just has a way of putting people in their place and speaking the truth that can sometimes be a little harsh. She routinely would talk about my weight and my father’s weight when I was growing up. I am sure she had no idea about my eating disorder in high school and how hard I had worked to overcome it. Again, she didn’t mean to be mean, she just feels like honesty is more important than kindness. I think you can do both things at the same time, but that’s just me.

So I rubbed her feet and she sighed at me in annoyance because I was interrupting her nap. I propped her swollen feet up and found the number of a roommate my grandfather had at Duke Divinity School in the 40’s. Gilbert Cofer or Cofer as my grandparents always called him, used to call my grandmother religiously after my grandfather died to check in on her and make sure she was doing alright. I knew he was probably worried about her because when COVID happened, they moved my grandmother to a different unit at her nursing home and her number changed. I did not have his number to call him to let him know and I couldn’t get into her room to get his number. The last time I was in her room I scoured her drawers but couldn't find her address book. Somehow I got lucky today.

I stuck the note card that was written in my Grandfather’s loopy cursive in my back pocket, annoyingly woke my Grandmother up one more time to tell her I was leaving and let her know I would be back on Monday morning at our regularly scheduled window visit and raced the storm to my hotel. My older brother, Josh from Maine called me. He had been in work the whole day and is not allowed to have his phone. When he got to his car he had the series of texts I had sent that started with “Gram may be having a stroke, I don’t know anything definitive, I will let you know more when I can.” Then went, “I have been allowed to visit in person but no one else, I will let you know more when I can.”  It ended with, “Gram is fine, just sleeping. You know how she is.” He said he went through all the emotions in just one minute while reading them….oh no! Is she ok?....Thank goodness Jenny can go….Oh my goodness, good ol’ Grammy, causing a ruckus at her nursing home again. He was relieved and we quickly got off the call since there was heavy snow coming down at that time.

I forgot about the notecard until I was getting undressed for bed and felt it in my back pocket. I decided it wasn’t too late to call him and give him an update on my Gram. He had been so religious about calling her weekly, that I knew he probably assumed she had died.

After the phone rang for several seconds, a woman’s voice picked up. I really wasn’t sure if the number I had was a current one for him since my Grandfather has been dead for ten years so I asked if I could speak with Cofer.

“Gilbert Cofer?”

“Yes, ma’am, I don’t know if I have the right phone number.”

“What does this pertain to?”

“I am Eugenia Perkins’ Granddaughter and he called her regularly and she moved and I wanted to let him know she was alright and alive but just had a different number.”

“I am sorry to tell you this but I am his daughter and he died on Monday.”

I inhaled sharply and then exhaled with, “Oh my! I am so sorry for your loss. I am so disappointed I missed him by five days. I wanted to thank him for being so religious about checking in on my Gram and to let him know she was alright.”

“I just brought his ashes home today.”

We went on to have a nice long conversation, sharing stories and commiserating on being caretakers to the ones we love dearly but sharing in the difficulty of watching their decline and the burden of worrying when any little thing changes. I told her I had letters that include information about my grandfather attending her father’s wedding and she said she was interested in them. I gave her my website’s address and we both promised to stay in touch.

I actually have started a whole chapter on Cofer because my Grandfather was roommates with him at Duke Divinity School and they stayed in touch all these years. He was a wonderful friend to my Grandfather and thoughtfully stayed in touch with my Gram after my grandfather died. He came to my Gram’s 95th birthday party twelve years ago. I will share more about him in the book but wanted to update my dear readers about my day. It was a doozy. So many emotions. I am so grateful to be present and sober for it all, however difficult it is.

I am including the next letter in the series. Good night all. I pray for impeachment soon and more access to the COVID vaccine to everyone. I am getting mine Wednesday, January 13th and cannot wait!