I’ve been thinking about the letters I have been sharing recently and how they might be perceived by people reading them in 2021. I feel the need to address a couple things with my readers. I do it in my book but I haven’t on the blog. I am going to include a forward I wrote to my chapter on Mothers. I think it gives a good “trigger warning” about how to read these letters. Remember, all the people I write about are real people today and at times, they are not depicted in the greatest light. I’m thinking particularly about my mother and Tiffany’s mother. I want to say I have no anger or resentment to either of these women today. Both loved their daughters immensely and thought they were doing the best things for both of us. They were both single mothers doing the best they could with the information they had and during the time period this was all happening in. Today in 2021, people are more liberal and understanding that being gay is not a choice and is something you are born with (at least most people). I will forever be grateful to Tiffany’s mom for giving me a place to live for a year while my mom and I were figuring our stuff out. Yes Tif’s mom kicked me out once she knew Tif and I were dating, but for one year, she was a mother to me and gave me a really safe place to heal from stuff that was going on at home. I have nothing but love for her. So please, dear readers, please give my mom and Tif’s mom some grace and know they were doing the best they could.

Forward

This is a complicated one to write. The topic of motherhood is wrought with patriarchal guilt and the impossible demands our culture places on women to “have it all”. I never want to blame any mother for mistakes she made while trying to do the very best she could under the oppressive weight of patriarchy. In saying that, I also have to be very honest about my experiences I had as a daughter and I hope the reader can see the nuance to the tales I am about to tell- to know the context and also to know the ending. I grew up always knowing how very loved I was and how proud all my parents were of me. I also grew up to be, in all accounts, a very productive member of society, very happy and content in the life I live. 

I am including the next letter and am going to transcribe it because I have found you readers are a little lazy ;) and don’t have the patience to read cursive. I am going to also give you the inside scoop that some of the endearing things about Tiffany during this time is that she was practicing her cursive because she thought it was a cool skill to have and was practicing writing with her left hand because she wanted to be ambidextrous. What can I say, I have a thing for dorks and found it so cute! She loved the letter “L” in cursive which is why she uses it in her name all the time. Enjoy!

Dear Jen(nifer),                                                                                6-8-1998

I really, really dislike Espanol! I am sitting trying as hard as I can to ignore Mrs. Blake. Everything she does and says absolutely drives me crazy. I don’t think I have learned anything all this year. Oh well, the year is almost over and she is being fired anyway. When I first heard this news I was so excited, but now I feel bad about being happy for someone else’s shortcomings. So, were you able to continue learning Spanish in NC? You seemed to enjoy it, so I hope you were able to continue. 

It’s yearbook time here at EL and I am frantically trying to avoid signing them. When I have one placed in front of me I panic and frantically try to think of something to write. I always have so much to say to someone, but I can never find the words. Usually I come up with something really pathetic like “Have a great summer and I’ll see you next year :)”. I really hate writing things like this, it is so impersonal. Just today I signed Kara Shea’s yearbook and all I could come up with is that we have had a great couple of years. Of course at the time I could have told her what a wonderful person she is and how I am so lucky to know her, or how she adds so much joy to my life and without her I would take everything too seriously. You have also taught me of being more relaxed, and I thank you for that. Even still, I still probably have a [?] before my 20th birthday.

Did you know that if you are looking out a window at the sky for enough time it feels like you are actually up there. I’m sure that sounds insane but it is true. If you close your eyes it is almost as if you can feel the wind, taste it and [?] it. The other day I went over to Walton and layed down in the field taking in the sunset. I’ve been doing this a lot lately and it is very peaceful. It’s like [?] serenity when [?] comes into my circle and my life is perfect. Of course [?] is like reality but as far as home it is my reality and it is relief from a day of grief.

Running just doesn’t feel the same any more. Instead of feeling great and [?]that running would feel great, instead I have to force myself up and out into the world. As in, I would rather just sit and read or do homework. I need to strengthen to find time to go running but now it feels like a chore rather than for myself. I have yet to reach a place where I feel as though I can run forever, the farthest I have run this year is a max of 4-5 miles. I used to run around 6-7 miles each day. I have really stopped and I feel really bad about that. I wish I could get back to the point where I can jump up at any time and go running, but I can’t seem to.

On a happier note, I have been exempt from every final except science. But I’m still waiting to hear from Mr. Chaperwich. Just yesterday we took a test and for me to be exempt all I needed was a 98%! It was a really hard test but I still have hope. It would be really depressing if I had to take the final. It feels like I work so hard, but get nowhere. Of course if I am exempt, it will be one final victory, and a huge relief. I seem to recall telling you that it is nothing to be ashamed of having to take an honors final, but I know if I have to take this final it will crush me. But I still have a chance, it’s very slim but it’s there.

So, you’re coming home on Monday, I can’t wait. Right when you get home give me a call and maybe we can do something, run, go to a movie or whatever. Well, we can [?] then. :) 

Love, 

Tiffany Black

PS: 180 Mill st may not be my address for much longer! My mom may be [?] the apartment and then we’ll get a house!!

Man, can’t you see why I fell in love with that thing?! What a dork! I love it so! Hope you all enjoyed as well!