Written mostly on 9/6/22

We are back from our trip and shockingly, we have adapted to the time change quite well. We have become expert travelers and always end with a buffer day to allow for flights to be canceled and to reacclimate to being home before throwing ourselves back into our work.

I spent most of the day wrapping all the presents I bought in Kenya for the nieces, nephews, friends and family. I decided to make them Christmas presents which means I am almost done with Christmas shopping! That never happens for me! As I get older, I find myself changing into a person I never thought I would be. An example is my new anxiety relieving cleaning activity. I used to laugh and question the sanity of people who said that cleaning relaxed them or made them feel less anxious. I, however, have become that person. Organizing the pantry fills me with so much joy; it is embarrassing. I have alphabetized our spice rack. Y’all know about my insomnia, so Nikki says it is magical in the morning when she wakes up to find something newly organized!

Our sweet Nina had some stomach issues while we were gone so we had some surprises on our upstairs carpet. I can’t even imagine how horrible she must have felt to go to the bathroom inside! Poor thing! Luckily, we have the very best pet sitter, Bull City Pet Sitting. We call Melissa (the owner) Nina’s 3rd mom because our neighbor once confused her for me and had a whole conversation thinking he was talking to me. I mean, all lesbians look alike, right? Also, Nina adores her and it does take a bit to earn Nina’s love. So this is always a big deal. 

I wanted to share what it is like being a queer woman traveling in Africa. I want to first start and say that this is only my experience. The LGBTQ+ community is very diverse and we all have our own experiences living in the world. So, I do not speak for all the gays! I’m going to tell you a secret, dear readers, that many heteronormative folx are not privy to: We do not have secret meetings or bat calls to coordinate our messages or agendas. There is no gay agenda! Members of the queer community are actually very isolated, growing up with straight parents and siblings. This is getting better but in my experience, I had to figure out my gay culture and history on my own. I would scour the bookshelves in Barnes and Nobles to see what books I might use as a resource to create the queer me I am today. It has been a struggle. There is a lot of internal homophobia that many of us combat. I was told often that homosexuals go to hell and are bad people. So I have to constantly dismiss that message for the one of, I was born this way and I am not changing. And honestly, my dear readers, I have tried to not be my queer self. And not in a sexual way, with men, but a lot of self harm and a suicide attempt when I felt I couldn’t not be gay. Somehow my identity as a queer person seems to lead strangers to ask inappropriate questions about my sex life. I have gotten them all. I will let your imagination run wild. The worst one is if I have had sexual trauma or abuse in my past. Why would a stranger disclose that to another stranger?

I am ranting. So sorry. Now back to the purpose of this post.

When I matched to South Sudan with Doctors Without Borders, I was very open to discuss my sexuality with folx and I asked what I should do in that country since homosexuality is a crime. Typically the laws talk only about sodomy but they can make exceptions for us lezzies. Honestly, the only job I have been able to be my true, authentic self has been working at Planned Parenthood. It is the only time that my being queer has not only been accepted and tolerated, but celebrated. The patients get so excited when I refer to my wife, because they know, with just that word, that I understand what it is to walk through this world as a queer person and all that encompasses. The fear of rejection, physical violence, stress, and mistreatment by health care providers, family and “friends”. I love working at Planned Parenthood because I get to be their Queer Fairy God Mother and care for them as they are part of my queer family, because they are. In other places of work I have to be careful who I disclose my relationship status with. I have to play the pronoun game when someone asks if I am married or in a relationship. I cannot give too much personal information, for fear of being found out and having judgment, inappropriate questions or sexual harassments. (All these things have happened to me by patients and coworkers.).

Many of my queer friends who have worked internationally reached out to me when I stated I was matched to South Sudan and gave me their experience, strength and hope with being gay in countries where it was illegal. They had been harrassed by border patrol and their social media had been looked into to see if they were gay. With what is happening with Brittney Griner in Russia, I was very worried. I made sure to make all my social media private only to friends before I left, but also knew the risks I was putting myself in. I went into it fully understanding those risks but felt that the difference I could make in my job was worth it to my personal safety.

Doctors Without Borders stated they fully support my sexuality (and I believe it), but unfortunately, since I would be working with people from other countries and cultures (not just the patients I would be taking care of in South Sudan), that some people who identify as LGBT+  have found it better not to disclose to other team members they live with that they are queer. HR gave me information of other employees who identify as queer and stated it was my own personal decision and they were trying to change the climate, but wanted to be honest. I appreciated that honesty and took it to heart. I joined the secret Facebook group for queer MSF workers and posed the question to all of them. They all recommended going back into the closet.

I haven’t been in the closet since I was 16 years old when I was pushed out by my first girlfriend’s mother. I am” lucky” that I can “pass” as straight if I need to, which means I typically do not get discriminated against for employment or other things in life. Yet, that means I have to constantly feel the room to see if it is safe to disclose this information about me. It has led to much mental harm, denying who I am, to protect my safety, but I understand the reality of the world I live in, despite it being 2022. There is still violence and discrimination of the queer community.

After discussing this with Nikki, we decided I would try to keep her a secret and refer to her as Nik and as my husband. After about 2 weeks in South Sudan, my anxiety and depression increased greatly and I did not feel like I was living my authentic self. It was hard to form real relationships with my coworkers, who I was spending 24/7 with by not sharing all about who I am. So I did start sharing with my team members that I had a wife, but again, did not share with any of the National staff or patients I was caring for. I immediately got the inappropriate questions about my sex life (how I have sex and stuff like that), also asking if I had “tried having sex with a man”, and then two members of my team offering to have sex with me, one being a married man. It really caused emotional distrust and some fear about my safety. I decided not to go to HR about this, but I have found it is easier to change minds by having conversations, and I am strong with who I am through therapy and life experience, so I felt I could have these conversations and create better change that way. But it did ultimately lead to me leaving my position early (as well as other things). 

When Nikki and I went to Kenya recently, we looked into their laws, and also saw it is illegal to be gay. The verbage is directed to gay men, because (I think) the patriarchy makes straight men fearful of men who have sex with men because it makes them seem more female and being female is bad (in our patriarchal world). Straight men seem to think lesbians are “hot” and it helps their own male fantasies, thinking of threesomes. Lesbians are luckier in this, but when I did my research it said that the laws had been used for lesbians in the past. In previous posts I stated that Nik and I slept in separate beds when we went on safari because they did come into our room in the morning and we did not want them to “catch” us in the same bed. We also had decided, since we share the last name, to say we are sisters if anyone ever asked. We were asked every time we went through border control, with guides and when we checked in at the hotel if we were sisters. Again, these microaggressions, like in the black community, add up to be very stressful and harmful to the queer community. It is really hard to deny who I am and to deny my commitment to the love of my life due to fear of our safety. 

I did have some really uncomfortable experiences with some of the men in Kenya, even when I told them I was married (to a man that was back in the US). I think because there is polygamy in their culture, they felt they could flirt with me and even suggest I stay in Kenya and become their wife. They offered to show me around town and to go to their house. This happens to women all the time, but it is even more risky for queer people if they are outed because it is more likely to lead to sexual violence (I don’t have the statistics here but do a quick google search and you will see). Men want to “turn” queer women straight and to prove their manhood.

So, that is a brief summation of my experiences of traveling in Africa while being queer. Although the world has changed a lot since I came out in the 1990’s, it is still incredibly unsafe. Again, I am lucky that I can “pass” as straight where a lot of my queer family do not have that privilege and their threat of violence is much more imminent and scary. Tiffany (my first girlfriend) told me after she shaved her head she had much more derogatory slurs called out to her and one time she had to run away from some men in a parking lot late at night that said they wanted to show her what it felt like to be with real men. This did not happen when she had long hair.

So, thank you to allies that stick up for us- it is still needed. Love to you all! And I will give more updates soon when I have more time!