Sneaking in the nursing home…
Well, I had a luscious day which has inspired me to share it with you all. My twin brother’s daughter Sophie has been begging for a really cool haircut for months. She was so excited about it that she got me jealous and I told her I would also get the same cut. For me, it felt like a bold statement, although it does appear to be a more alternative look nowadays. But previously, an asymmetrical haircut was pretty gay. And I, am a shadow femme, someone who can easily pass as straight if I want to. There are privileges with that- I have less random homophobia happening to me, but it does mean I have to come out every single day. Like when a patient asks what my husband does- do I correct them? Or do I play the pronoun game? There is some relief to have something that singles that I am queer; I am different. Yes, it may give me more looks or comments, but the visibility, the being seen, is so nice. I feel more confident. I feel more bold. Who knew a haircut could do this? Let’s go back to Sophie. This girl sat in the chair and said proudly “I want my hair to look like my Auntie’s” and I just burst with pride. So I have twin haircuts with my twin’s daughter and I’m not crying, you’re crying.
I really wanted to fit in a trip to see my Gram since we were in the same city. I live an hour away from her, so anytime I am close, I try to stop by. However, we ended up leaving my brother’s house around 8pm and I contemplated that this may be too late. My wife, so smartly stated “She’s sleeping all the time anyway. Let’s just go and see her!” And we did!
Let me tell you a little secret of loved ones who have loved ones in a care facility- show up unannounced and at weird times often. This is how you have a true view on how your loved one is being cared for. We hurriedly made our way to my Grandmother’s room with the blessing of the staff, and I was happy to see she had been tucked in and cared for well. We are so lucky my Grandparents planned early for the facility that would take care of them during their later years. They had spent so much time volunteering for the elderly, they created a practical plan to not be a burden to us.
My Gram continues to do this in that she is constantly giving away her things. She looks at you deeply and then states “You will take the painting with the mountain home.” Or “You should take the purple vase.” I always walk out with an armload of things and hope the staff don’t think I’m loiter.
Tonight we did some basic foot massage with lotion and then my Gram had to make a lovely visit weird. She and my Grandfather had pride in their teeth, in that they still had them up to now. Many of their cohorts have dentures, but my grandparents have all their teeth.. The downside to that is that the teeth seem to be ready to go before my Gram is . The past several years she has had issues with her teeth; they are starting to crack and break away. They are tired, it seems, and a few have had to be pulled out. For now, she’s still able to eat and everything, so there is some use for them, but they bother her. Alas, it is with love that I found myself picking through my Gram’s cracked teeth to help ease some of that bother. These are the things we don’t talk about- caring for our loved one’s teeth when they cannot. It was absolutely my honor to attend to it. As a nurse, I see those in their most vulnerable situations and I hope to give them some semblance of themselves.
My wife watched as I lotioned my grandmother’s swollen feet and we gave each other knowingly looks- I would do for you as well my dear. Our marriage vows, in sickness and in health. Very present for any healthcare provider is the knowledge that it only takes one wrong lane change for us to be on the other side of care. Nikki always reflects on when her grandmother was in the hospital, at her end, and I was relatively new to the family, and I jumped right in and started turning and changing her sheets. Nik says “If only I could care for your grandma as you cared for mine.” I tell her, “I’m a nurse. You married this skill. It is part of the package.”
The evening ended with me realizing I had left my wedding rings on my Gram’s side table (removing them to lotion her feet), when we were halfway home and we had to swerve the car around to retrieve them. I found my Gram as I had left her, tucked in her lounge chair, snug as a bug. Unfortunately I have never been a night shift nurse. I never could swoop in and check the IVs by the glow of the monitor and change a drip or empty a bag unnoticed. Unfortunately as I would try to tip toe in, I would bump into a chair and knock something off a table, startling my poor patient awake who was stuck with me for the night. In my typical graceless fashion I ended up having to turn on all my Gram’s lights to find the rings, but I had her laughing before I left. As I tip-toed out, with the perfect amount of light let in (as my friends with children must do every night), my Grandmother yells “Surprise me again sometime!” It was a good day.
