The Chicks
The Chicks, formerly known as The Dixie Chicks, have been a part of my life for over 20 years. Like many people, their album Wide Open Spaces brought them into my view and I have consumed every album like it was manna from heaven. When that particular album came out in 1999, I was a Freshman in high school. I didn’t know I was gay at the time but I was best friends with Tiffany and would listen to that cd on repeat to and from track/band/chorus events while we were riding the bus together. When I hear the first notes of that title track I can feel the bus rumbling beneath me with Tiffany’s shoulder brushed against mine, creating a warmth to my cheeks and a feeling in my stomach that I did not know at the time meant I had a crush. Later, after we both bravely professed our love together and shared an illicit kiss in her basement bedroom in her bottom bunk bed, Tiffany would have me sing that song to her over and over. She adored my singing voice. She adored everything about me and I ate it up. Instead of “cowboy”, I would say “Tiffany, taaaake me away!” And I would mean that. Take us away from the closet we had to hide in and then later, take me away from her mother’s rules to keep us away from each other when she discovered our secret. Take us away from our town in Auburn, Maine to college and adulthood and safety of “wide open spaces…”. That was one of my go to songs for karaoke at the gay bar in Manchester, NH that we went to when we did leave our small town of Auburn, Maine for Durham, NH, attending University of New Hampshire. We would go to the 313 every Saturday and dance and I would sing Dixie Chicks on the stage.
Cowboy take me away- Walnut Creek Amphitheater 7/12/22
The Chicks were there for me when we broke up and I was devastated. I would sing Landslide over and over and made a mixtape for her with it included. I felt so grown up when I was singing it. In a lot of ways I was. I have always been an old soul with a lot of life experience. “The World’s Best Therapist” told me that my relationship with Tiffany was like a marriage and my continued grief of it was completely normal in that context. I do not want to get back together with Tiffany. She is in a lovely marriage with a son who just graduated high school and I am happily married now for 13 years. I do get nostalgic for my best friend and all the experiences we went through together. I miss her and wish we could be as close as we were before. I know many lesbians are friends with their exes, but Tif isn’t great with long distance relationships of any sorts. She isn’t mean to me or anything. She politely responds to texts or emails but it is not the same back and forth we used to have. I grieve that loss of friendship. We were together officially for 7 years and friends much longer.
The Chicks were there for me with their song, Not trying to make nice, which I played every day of the trial of my medical malpractice lawsuit that went on for over a week. The whole ordeal was a five year trauma cycle that ended in a hung jury two days before the 2016 election. Nikput it on a playlist for me to listen to as I drove to Raleigh, NC a year later to present the story of my lawsuit to the North Carolina Nurses Association Annual Conference, to shed light about malpractice lawsuits and hope to decrease the stigma of those that are sued. I was so scared to present but also knew from Brene Brown and lots of program work that to conquer shame, I must share my deepest secrets. Usually I find out I am not alone in my experiences and others can find out they are not alone as well.
Me dancing to Not trying to make nice
The Chicks were there for me during the Pandemic when I was getting squirrely from staying inside, only going out to work at Planned Parenthood and not having normal friend social interaction. For many months I couldn’t even go to in-person AA meetings, instead having to attend zoom ones (which I am eternally grateful they were even available). Their Gaslighter album was a common “wake up album” I would blast (much to my Nik’s dismay), when trying to get myself out of bed in the morning during some depressive times during the pandemic. I have grown up with them and think I have matured to their level of “no fucks given” that is declared in their lyrics.
It was a silver lining that I was able to make it to The Chicks Concert this past Tuesday night in Raleigh after coming home early from my mission from MSF. We had seen them at the same venue a few years ago during the transphobic bathroom bills and they gave out free hats stating, “no hate in our state”. Nik was actually able to find hers to wear at the concert. I was a sweaty mess as I danced and sang to every song. Nik so nicely stayed up waaay past her bedtime so I could have some musical healing. I have felt my higher power in the beat and harmony of music ever since I was that little Baptist kid at Vacation Bible School, even when my minister fired me from being Sunday School teacher to the 2 and 3 year olds at my church because I was “a bad influence” after Tiffany’s mom found our hidden love letters beneath that bunk bed where we shared our first kiss. It reminds me that religion, actually the people behind religion, does not stop me from having spiritual experiences. My queer ass gets to have them every day, whether they like it or not. My HP loves me because I am who I am. It has taken my 39 years on this earth for me to really feel that and believe that. Internalized homophobia is a real thing that I am constantly battling, just like internalized racism or patriarchy or fat shaming. The culture I grew up in told me over and over that I was not enough or bad or going to hell. I believed those things. It led me to suicide attempts, depression, self harm, eating disorders, addiction, you name it. I am the statistic that I was taught about in school. Yet somehow, I am still here. “I’m not ready to back down, I probably wouldn’t if I could..” I’m going to get up tomorrow and continue to fight the fight for reproductive justice, women’s rights, smashing the patriarchy, ending racism, ending hunger, poverty, global warming…each day is a new day to make a difference. And I am so grateful to be here for it!
